Shedding light on the darkness
I am often torn between “hurt people hurt people” and “F%#& that! People know better!” At this stage of my life, I know both statements to be true. It takes compassion and a genuine desire to know somebody, to tell the statement that carries the truth.
Psychology explains that victims tend to become abusers at some point in their lives, in a way or another. I believe this to be true, since hurt people do hurt people; intentionally or not. Usually, shedding light on someone’s abusive behaviors triggers reactions and conversations that will give you a hint on their true intentions- if your intention is to listen, attentively.
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you confront somebody about something they have said that did not sit well with you and they deny ever saying it? If yes, I bet your first reaction to their denial was disbelief, wasn’t it? But the human mind has an admirable ability to keep upsetting experiences intact for the longest time, so you know for sure, you heard what you heard or saw what they did. Chances are, the more the other person denies it, the more you want to shake the truth out of them because a part of you is beginning to question your sanity. There is a word for this and it is “gaslighting”.
It is important to name things: feelings, behaviors, etc, it is important! You deal best with anything once you can name it- naming it gives better insights. Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse, where one individual (the abuser) keeps presenting wrong information to another individual (the victim) in order to control them by making the victim question their memory, their perception ability, their sanity. Now there are various reasons why people seek power and/or use it at the expense of others; this is a topic for another day though. However, it is safe to say that many people who use power to control others are in fact repeating what has been done to them. One of the consequences of having felt like a victim of psychological abuse is to abuse too, as a way of “regaining the power” lost in the past. In this context, most people I have met so far do this completely unaware of the motivation behind their actions. This is the power of open wounds. To quote author Malanda Jean Claude: “If you never heal from what hurt you, you will bleed on people who didn’t cut you.”.
Gaslighting gradually makes the victim (I really dislike this word, btw!!) anxious, confused, and unsure of anything anymore. This kind of behavior is found in various settings: at work with bosses, in romantic relationships, within our circles of friends, etc. It gets harder when there is some emotional involvement though. Who enjoys doubting their friends? Who wants to believe their lover is manipulating them? And yet, gaslighting probably works best when there is indeed a certain level of emotional attachment. This is because calling out this kind of behavior often means destroying a relationship beyond repair. I am here to tell you that it is okay. I am here to remind you that no one and nothing is worth losing your sanity.
Speak your truth, it will set you free. Speak your truth! Whether or not you know the reaction you are going to get as a result, speak your truth. At the end of the day, you are only responsible of your words and actions. You will not always predict how you trigger your entourage. Moreover, dismantling an unhealthy belief system is a form of love, remember that!
When it comes to gaslighting, gaslighters usual reactions when exposed are denial, anger and some more gaslighting. You have got to want to discern the difference between somebody who verily cares about you and somebody who wants to keep you in their lives so they can keep entertaining their own trauma; whether they are aware of it or not. Unfortunately, no matter how much you care, even love is not enough if the abuser is not ready to face their own demons. I am not asking you to hate them for it. Hating a wounded person because they have wounded you is another example of how hurt people hurt people. When it comes to it, it is essential to remember that you can love from a distance. It is never an easy decision to make but it is always the healthy one. If your wellbeing is being threatened, if your mental health is being triggered in a harmful way, be brave enough to distance yourself from the situation and the people involved, in every way you can. It is always noble, trying to put your good intentions to use in order to expose and wipe away toxicity, but be grounded enough to know when a battle is not yours to fight. You can only shed light on something for someone else; walking in the light is not your job, it is theirs. No matter how much we love people, we cannot “unpack” for them. We can point at what we think or clearly see is weighing them down (and people around them, consequently), we can also offer our presence if they need it on their healing journey and if we are in the right state of mind to help, but we cannot put bandages on wounds they cannot see yet.
Guard your hearts, dear ones. Protect your minds. With passion and conviction, never cease to speak life and pour love into your divine selves and all the spiritual beings around you. Do so particularly for those whose human experiences have turned into beings they do not understand nor have control over anymore.
Psychology explains that victims tend to become abusers at some point in their lives, in a way or another. I believe this to be true, since hurt people do hurt people; intentionally or not. Usually, shedding light on someone’s abusive behaviors triggers reactions and conversations that will give you a hint on their true intentions- if your intention is to listen, attentively.
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you confront somebody about something they have said that did not sit well with you and they deny ever saying it? If yes, I bet your first reaction to their denial was disbelief, wasn’t it? But the human mind has an admirable ability to keep upsetting experiences intact for the longest time, so you know for sure, you heard what you heard or saw what they did. Chances are, the more the other person denies it, the more you want to shake the truth out of them because a part of you is beginning to question your sanity. There is a word for this and it is “gaslighting”.
It is important to name things: feelings, behaviors, etc, it is important! You deal best with anything once you can name it- naming it gives better insights. Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse, where one individual (the abuser) keeps presenting wrong information to another individual (the victim) in order to control them by making the victim question their memory, their perception ability, their sanity. Now there are various reasons why people seek power and/or use it at the expense of others; this is a topic for another day though. However, it is safe to say that many people who use power to control others are in fact repeating what has been done to them. One of the consequences of having felt like a victim of psychological abuse is to abuse too, as a way of “regaining the power” lost in the past. In this context, most people I have met so far do this completely unaware of the motivation behind their actions. This is the power of open wounds. To quote author Malanda Jean Claude: “If you never heal from what hurt you, you will bleed on people who didn’t cut you.”.
Gaslighting gradually makes the victim (I really dislike this word, btw!!) anxious, confused, and unsure of anything anymore. This kind of behavior is found in various settings: at work with bosses, in romantic relationships, within our circles of friends, etc. It gets harder when there is some emotional involvement though. Who enjoys doubting their friends? Who wants to believe their lover is manipulating them? And yet, gaslighting probably works best when there is indeed a certain level of emotional attachment. This is because calling out this kind of behavior often means destroying a relationship beyond repair. I am here to tell you that it is okay. I am here to remind you that no one and nothing is worth losing your sanity.
Speak your truth, it will set you free. Speak your truth! Whether or not you know the reaction you are going to get as a result, speak your truth. At the end of the day, you are only responsible of your words and actions. You will not always predict how you trigger your entourage. Moreover, dismantling an unhealthy belief system is a form of love, remember that!
When it comes to gaslighting, gaslighters usual reactions when exposed are denial, anger and some more gaslighting. You have got to want to discern the difference between somebody who verily cares about you and somebody who wants to keep you in their lives so they can keep entertaining their own trauma; whether they are aware of it or not. Unfortunately, no matter how much you care, even love is not enough if the abuser is not ready to face their own demons. I am not asking you to hate them for it. Hating a wounded person because they have wounded you is another example of how hurt people hurt people. When it comes to it, it is essential to remember that you can love from a distance. It is never an easy decision to make but it is always the healthy one. If your wellbeing is being threatened, if your mental health is being triggered in a harmful way, be brave enough to distance yourself from the situation and the people involved, in every way you can. It is always noble, trying to put your good intentions to use in order to expose and wipe away toxicity, but be grounded enough to know when a battle is not yours to fight. You can only shed light on something for someone else; walking in the light is not your job, it is theirs. No matter how much we love people, we cannot “unpack” for them. We can point at what we think or clearly see is weighing them down (and people around them, consequently), we can also offer our presence if they need it on their healing journey and if we are in the right state of mind to help, but we cannot put bandages on wounds they cannot see yet.
Guard your hearts, dear ones. Protect your minds. With passion and conviction, never cease to speak life and pour love into your divine selves and all the spiritual beings around you. Do so particularly for those whose human experiences have turned into beings they do not understand nor have control over anymore.
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| Image source: Google |
Words full of wisedom and healing. Let us admit to ourselves that we need to heal and speak more the truth, as the truth will set us free. Thank you so much for the inspiring, thoughtful and healing insights.
ReplyDeleteMy pleasure!! I'm glad the truth resonated with you! Love.
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